The Sentimental Barista by Mark Kadzielawa

 

Shopping for music, movies and books always calmed him down.  He just loved being around the art; being in his own little world.  There was magic all over the place.  There was so much knowledge staring back at him.  It was a treasure trove with so much waiting to be discovered.  But as he enjoyed being around such a wonderful place his mind was going back to her.  As he thought about her, he envisioned her in his arms, felt her skin, he tried to remember her smell.  He smiled to himself, and continued to shop, looking at the displays in front of him.  Each little area was filled with something special.  It was overwhelming at times.  Despite all of this, his mind was somewhere else.  It was pre-occupied by her.  Why?  Was it because he was in the area where they used to meet?  Was it because she lived nearby?  Whatever it was, it was running circles around him.  His consciousness told him, “ It’s impossible,” his experience yelled, “Too risky,” his pride announced, “That’s senseless,” yet his heart whispered, “Despite all of this, give it a try.”   “Stupid heart,” he thought, and deep down inside he knew its gentle whisper was going to dominate this battle of the senses.  He might end up doing something foolish, something he would regret doing.  Why was this love still so strong?  When he knew there was nothing there for him.  She had forgotten him, left him dry at the end of the phone line.   

As he was standing in line, a plan began to formulate in his head, fuelled by his heart with a complete opposition from the brain.  He was going to visit the coffee shop where the two of them would often meet.  What’s more; his heart was telling him to call her, and he got to the point where he could no longer ignore it.  He was going to stop by at the coffee place where they shared so many special moments.  It wasn’t far from where he was at, a matter of one left turn, and he was there.  

The place still smelled exactly how he remembered it; but deep down inside he wanted to smell them as they were together.  When it was his turn he ordered his green tea, found a place to sit and kept staring all over the place.  The place went silent as he completely spaced out.  It wasn’t until the hot tea burned his tongue that he went back to reality.  The pain felt good, it reminded him that he could still feel, and he sure did.  He reached for his phone and wrote her a quick text, “What are you doing?”  Within seconds came the reply, “Nothing much.”  “I’m at the coffee shop, why don’t you stop by,” he wrote, and after a few seconds she responded, “I’m about to visit a friend, and then I’m going downtown to a bar.”  A moment of sadness; he would’ve much preferred, “No, I don’t want to see you,” than the sweet little lies he was left with.  It’s funny how those little things cut so much deeper than the obvious truth.  But he understood, and he was fine with it.  Inside he felt his brain laughing at his heart.  The typical, “I told you so,” moment.  Another sip of hot tea burned his mouth, and he intentionally needed that pain to balance his melancholic state.  Wow Nazareth, you were right all long, love does hurt, but it’s so beautiful at the same time.  He smiled at that thought.  The tea was very soothing to his senses, and he decided to slowly drink it, and then quietly leave with no trace left behind.  

Another great song crossed his mind, and he quietly hummed the chords.  It was Led Zeppelin’s “Tea For One,” and how different it felt now.  The song all of a sudden became about him.  Is it why they write them?  “A minute seems like a lifetime,” was the line going through his mind, and he couldn’t believe how true at this very second.  And every minute felt like that.  Another sip of the hot tea brought the desired relief.  A tear began to form in his eye, and he caught it with his finger before it rolled down his cheek.  “You have to be strong,” he told himself, no time for weakness.  At this moment he realized it was a big mistake coming back here, trusting his heart, texting her.

Once again the hot tea provided the “wake up” he much needed now, and he was glad to be back among the living.  A few minutes later, the cup seemed lighter, and the tea was cooler, and he knew his time here was coming to an end.  And at the same time something else felt like an end as well.  He would be gone in few minutes, probably never to return.

He was collecting his thoughts, and getting ready to leave, maybe visit another store.  Just to do something to reset his mind.  As he was taking his last sip; one of the shop employees asked if she could sit at his table for a minute.  “This feels really stupid,” she said.  “I know that you don’t know me, but I have something to tell you.”  “Sure thing,” the only thing he could mutter.  He was stunned by this development, and the girl in front of him seemed very embarrassed by what she was about do or say.  “So what is it?” he asked politely.  The girl was nervous and no words came out; it took her few seconds to compose herself.  He sure knew how that felt like, as he remembered when he planned certain conversations inside his head only to loose his composure completely when faced with the real thing.

“My name is Tina,” she whispered, and took a deep breath.

“I would always watch you and your wife when you used to come here.” she started.  “The two of you were so beautiful to watch.  The way you would look at her was just gentle and caring; it was as if you were trying to see through her; touch everything inside her.  And when you touched her, there was so much emotion in your embrace.  I see a lot of couples here, but when I observed you with your wife I saw love staring back at me.  It was so profound and so simple at the same time.  Please don’t laugh at me because I feel so embarrassed being here in front of you.  But at that very moment I knew exactly what I wanted to have in my life.  I wanted to be looked at like that and to be touched with such delicacy, and feel love completely surrounding me.  It was like watching a movie, only it was real and happening in front of me”

He was deeply moved by what the girl was saying; he realized she was just pouring her heart out.  He smiled gently at her, and nodded with approval.  He felt he could not utter a single word.

“I knew I wanted that,” she continued.  “And look at me, I’m not attractive, I’m a bit overweight, but looking at the two of you inspired me to start working on myself.  And I have to say things are better.  I wanted to thank you and your wife for it.  Please make sure you tell her this.”  

“Oh, I will, I’m sure she’ll be moved deeply by this admission just as…,” he paused not finishing his thought.   “Thank you for saying it, I wish she was here with me to hear it from you.”

“One more thing,” she added quickly.  “Once I spotted both of you walking out, and for a brief second I saw that you picked her up and carried her.  I was saying to myself that it couldn’t get any better, and it just did.”  This made him laugh because he remembered that as well, he just couldn’t believe that anyone else saw it or took notice.  Her face however displayed clear and heartfelt emotions.

Tina obviously didn’t know that we were never married and barely in touch at this point.  But he decided to keep that little fact hidden.  She was clearly full of hope and he felt she needed something to hold on to.  In fact he needed a little bit of that himself.  

“I’m on my break, and my co-workers are looking at me now, but I felt I needed to say this to you, it took so much out of me to be able to do that.  Thank you for not laughing at me and being kind.  I will never stop you here again, and now it’s my time to get back to work.  Please tell your wife she is the happiest woman I know, I saw it in her smile; don’t forget to tell her.”  As she was leaving she gently touched his hand.

As she went away, a rush of emotions shot through him.  He never expected that to happen.  In fact he felt very alone at the moment.  Clutching onto an empty cup of tea he was trying to compose himself, trying to make sense of what just transpired. Taking all of that in was not an easy task.  Emotions made him sway sideways as he was making his way to towards the door.  Once he was outside he knew he could never come back here again, or at least take some time off before returning.  If Tina ever learned the truth it would completely destroy her, and in a way he now felt responsible for her.

Mark Kadzielawa